Can you help me locate where I can improve my writing?

I really want to share my story with others, but I need your assistance to help me convey it in a clear and enjoyable manner. Thanks.





A dark, immense rush of something not him filled his mind.


Kill… kill…


No!


Kill… kill…


Never! I value human life…


Kill! Kill!


Shut up!


KILL!


And then he blacked out.








A few years later





They took me in because I was “uncontrolled”.


An adolescent boy looked bored as he faced the front of the classroom on his desk.


This boy had brown hair and skin that was about the same color as the norm. He wore his hair short with a tad bit of spikes and also seemed healthy enough to jog a whole mile.


“…the element of fire is hard to control for any mage. That includes even the Masters…” said a male voice at the front of the classroom.


Maybe I should be thankful; an orphan doesn’t usually get an opportunity to study after novice training.


The boy diverted his attention to the classroom window. It was quiet outside, but some people passed by; women carried baskets, children played, men worked, a student walked by every so often… and the occasional magician passed in staid silence.


“Stan,” said the teacher, who spoke directly toward the boy, “Just what is so interesting out there?”


The class giggled.


“Um,” said Stan, after a pause, “Nothing.”


“Fine,” said the teacher, and then he returned to his droning lecture.


The boy looked to his left to see a male student engaged in the lecture. He wore black, medium length hair, and had a skin color that was lighter than most. He did not return Stan’s gaze.


How stupid can Stan get? Thought the dark-haired boy, while trying to look undisturbed. In fact, he was immensely disturbed.


How dull can Sane get? Thought Stan, while looking at his classmate, He has no hint of humor in him.


Stan looked to his right, and saw a girl playfully laughing at him.


She had long, brown hair, and had the same skin color as Sane.


Well, thought Stan, at least Ria has humor.


But he could not hide his shame.





“You are dismissed,” said the teacher.


As Stan was about to burst out the door, he was halted, “Stan, let me talk to you for a moment,”


The boy stopped, turned, and slowly walked back in silence.


“Sit here,” the teacher beckoned toward a chair.


“Yes, Teacher Harold?” said Stan, taking a seat.


Harold was a young teacher, about in his twenties. He owned black hair that he wore loosely, and had a fit body shape. He had absolutely no hint of having a beard or mustache any time in his life, and his skin was a bit lighter than everyone else’s, about the same color as Ria’s.


Harold took a deep breath, stretched, and then started talking, “I guess I’ll have to say it now. This isn’t about your behavior; it’s about you and your abilities.”


Stan gave him a questioning look.


“You have a talent in using Darkness; it seems very natural for you.”


The afternoon sun beamed in the classroom. It made the wooden building seem orange and furnace-like in the silence that followed. A slit of sweat went down Stan’s throat.


Darkness, Stan thought, the most unstable and most dangerous element usedice in magic…


“So what does this mean then, Teacher Harold?” asked the spiky-haired boy.


“I’m worried.”


Stan gave him yet another questioning look.


Harold looked toward the window, “You and your relationship with Darkness,”


Stan paused. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it. In the end, his only response was a nod.


Another silence followed, and another slit of sweat went down Stan’s throat.


“Um,” Harold broke the silence, “I want you to stay careful.”


The student nodded.


“You can go now,” said the teacher.


And so Stan left.





The smell of the sea roared in Stan’s nose as he walked out of a wooden building that said “Reymour Academy” on its doors. Rays from the sun warmed his skin, and then he closed his eyes and pointed them towards the sun.


How nice, Stan thought.


The school was in a quiet and peaceful part of the town, away from the ports. In fact, the building was uphill, so Stan easily saw the bustle around the ports. A traveler might mistake the school from far away as a long row of houses that went uphill, but from close up, it was clearly a magic school. The majority of the buildings in the town were all built of wood, and the roads were made of stone.


Stan opened his eyes and then looked to his left to see a girl about the same age as he was. She observed the sea.


The girl turned and faced Stan, “Why’d you make me wait?”


She had brown hair that was short and also had a fit body shape. Her color of skin was the norm.


Stan paused for a moment as the throngs of students traveled down the stone street, “My… uh… behavior.”


“I don’t think so,” said the girl while she crossed her arms.


“N-no! Really, Kina, it’s about my behavior,” Stan said defensively.


Kina looked annoyed and responded with, “Fine,” and then walked downhill.


I’m not stupid Stan, thought Kina, as she walked downhill, I know you’re hiding something, and I’ll figureCan you help me locate where I can improve my writing?
The dialogue seems unrealistic. There are many grammar errors I spotted, but less than the average writer on here.





A dark, immense rush of something not him filled his mind.


Kill… kill…


No!


Kill… kill…


Never! I value human life…


Kill! Kill!


Shut up!


KILL!


And then he blacked out.








I found this very strange, and it didn't hook me when I started reading. I had to force myself through it. You spend a lot of time describing people by simply saying it. It is like reading off an information sheet. You introduce everything at one time, You could have simply wrote. As he walked into the room his hair brushed onto the low ceiling(or something) and messed up his spiked up hair.








You cannot slowly introduce things.








And so Stan left.








It starts to turn into a children's book with the same movement of Harry Potter. Only less in quality.








This is good if you are aiming for the ages 10-15








I suggest you revise, change the movement, and use correct grammar and punctuation.